14

Time for another non-movie review entry on my so-called movie review blog! It's halloween, this is like my christmas so I'm really busy okay?!? Anyhoo, Rob Zombie did all the featured clips on youtube's homepage today. You should check them out because some of them are really good, although some of them are obviously half-assed choices. Similar to Rob Zombie's half-assed choice to re-make Halloween, a movie that did not need any re-making. Last night I went to a double feature of Halloween 4 & 5, and some lady in the audience was like "Ooooh I saw that new Rob Zombie movie that version was awesome, that was a really kick-ass movie" and I swear to god I almost threw up in my cherry coke. An open note to Rob Zombie: I really like you. The Devil's Rejects is one of my favorite contemporary horror flicks, and that trailer you had in Grindhouse was really cool. But frankly, it's been hard to defend my crush on you lately.

If you're a Rob Zombie fan and have seen House of 1000 Corpses (2003), then you need to check out the House of 1000 Muppets.

13

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days, but I've been busy with various halloween-themed activities since this is THE BEST TIME OF YEAR EVER. If you're dying for a movie suggestion, rent Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid (1973), because young Kris Kristofferson is hot as hell and even James Coburn is looking pretty good in that movie. Also Bob Dylan is in it, and did all the music in it. Bob Dylan is young and cute in that movie, but I wouldn't go so far as to say "hot." I also really like this movie because there's a part where someone gets shot at and exclaims "Sweet Mary's ass!" which I like because it involves my name and my sweet ass.

12

30 Days of Night (2007)

No, this is not another sequel in the 28 Days Later series, contrary to what many people seem to think about this movie. This is a movie based on the Dark Horse graphic novel "30 Days of Night" by Steve Niles. I never read the graphic novel, because my comic book nerd skills have been in a steady but constant decline since I graduated from art school 3 years ago. I swear, in 2002 I went to Big Apple Con in NYC and held a fascinating conversation for like half an hour with Evan Dorkin about what comics we like, and now I don't have a lick of background knowledge on this kick-ass vampire movie because I've been cocky enough to actually have a life, GAWD where do I get off?!?

Luckily my buddy who escorted me to the theater is dorky enough to have read the graphic novel, and he told me that the movie stays pretty true to the book, especially in the ending which is always important. It gives me cinematic blue balls when I go to see a movie version of a book expecting the "everybody dies tragically" ending of the book only to see some disney-fied ending where the hero carries everyone safely from danger at the last second. Not that this happens in this movie. Or does it? I'm not telling you, go see it yourself. Or stay cooped up in your mom's basement and read the graphic novel, whichever is your style.

So anyways: this movie is good, all fans of bloody violent movie deaths should go see it. The vampire make-up is good, the cinematography is good, the ways in which people and vampires die are creative and therefore good. Overall it was thoroughly enjoyable. Especially the scene where Josh Hartnett kills a vampire by punching through his mouth and out the back of his head, during which my friend and I cheered out loud in the theater.

Now on to my favorite bit: the complaints! Let's have a list:

1. This movie does have some slow parts, but I think that's understandable since it's supposed to take place in one of the most isolated towns in the US. The action scenes peppered throughout the film are good enough that they make up for the boring parts.

2. Josh Hartnett is a bad actor, but it's okay because he's so durn good-looking. I'll watch Josh Hartnett pretend to be a sheriff any day.

3. Melissa George's character is not very believable. I just can't buy a waify blonde girl as a fire marshall who grew up in Barrow, Alaska. And whenever sh** goes down in this movie, she kind of doesn't do anything. I hate it when women act worthless in horror films. In real life, Melissa George was a champion rollerskater as a teenager! Perhaps if she had been on wheels she could've taken out some vampires.

4. There is zero chemistry between Josh Hartnett and Melissa George, who are supposed to be estranged spouses. That whole part of the story feels very forced and unnecessary, although I understand that they wanted to give the hero some depth.

OMG I just looked at a list of horror films that Evan Dorkin likes/hates on his blog. Clearly our opinions differ, can you believe he doesn't like Clive Barker's Nightbreed (1990)?!? It's a good thing we can have an open forum about these things on the interweb and not talk about them in person, because otherwise Evan Dorkin and I would get into a big barfight and I have a feeling I'm way tougher than he is.

Here's a list of Steve Nile's favorite movie vampires, which I find far more satisfying than Evan Dorkin's movie list.

12

The Acid House (1998)

I'm not going to write very much about this movie, because it was stupid and I don't want to waste my bloggy-breath on it. This is a movie based on an Irvine Welsh book about white trash Scottish people, much like its more successful movie sibling Trainspotting (1996), but it contains more pointless violence, more gnarly sex, and more creepy baby footage than Trainspotting. Now I usually like sex and violence (I'll cover the creepy babies later), but only when it's done with style a la Fulltime Killer(2001). This movie does not have violence with style, it's just got a lot of sweaty Scottish people shoving each other around for no good reason. The plot consists of three separate short stories that have nothing to do with each other, and when I arrived at the last story there was a glimmer of hope for a moment that the last story was going to be amazing and cancel out the badness of the other two, but then a creepy claymation baby appeared! And it stayed and established itself as a main character in the story! Gross. Don't watch this movie.

10

OBVIOUSLY NOT A MOVIE REVIEW

Or is it? This movie would be called "Glenn Danzig and Henry Rollins: Attack of the Men with Iconic Punk Bands and Petite Builds." No, this movie does not exist (yet). I just was reading up on Glenn Danzig yesterday (because Halloween always puts Danzig on the brain) and I found this photo. Now, I saw Henry Rollins when he came to speak at my school a few years ago, and let me tell you he is not a large man. He appears that way on camera because he's got such a big neck and whatnot, but he's only five foot six, five foot seven max. I know this because I am five foot six and I relate all sizes in the world to my own measurements. Look at how little Danzig looks next to Rollins! How can a man be so little and yet contain so much evil music power within him? By the way, if you were ever wondering what kind of books Glenn Danzig likes to read, you can find out here.

BTW part deux, someone at the Village Voice wrote an interesting article about the theoretical outcome of a fight between Glenn Danzig and Henry Rollins. I think he overestimates their heights, but I do agree with his opinion on who would win the fight.

09

Flourish (2006)

Just who the hell does Kevin Palys think he is anyways? What business does he have making an interesting movie and then NOT posting his whole life story on the internet for me to read about??? I am offended sir, you have offended me. Oh wait... never mind I just found his life story on the really ugly terrible Flourish movie website, which looks like it was made by a disinterested 12-year-old in an HTML 101 class. User Interface design, ever heard of it? Huh, Kevin Palys?????? I'm sure kids even younger than 12 are learning about HTML already, freaking children and their crazy computer knowledge, it all makes me ill. Sorry I'm a little salty today blogettes, it's 5 o'clock in the evening and I'm still hungover from last night. It's all a blur of tequila shots and broken wine glasses and blood at this point. Ah, good times. Even a delicious garden omelet from the Dish Cafe in Ballard couldn't snap me out of this one, which I ate and enjoyed thoroughly.

So, lesseee here, Kevin Palys, Flourish. I got the feeling while watching this movie that this is a semi-decent first film from a filmmaker that will soon make great movies with a little more practice and some more time and more money. Ugh, my brain is too fuzzy to create any more full sentences, I'm just going to list things that I liked about the movie now. Movie good why now:

- KPdawg creates a weird awkward stuttering world right at the start at sticks with it throughout the film, consistency = good. You don't forget that you are viewing the world through the eyes of a brain damaged main character.

- The aforementioned brain damaged main character, who is played by Jennifer Morrison from House M.D., has really nice toned arm muscles. It's inspired me to go to the gym as soon as my hangover wears off in 12 hours.

- The sound is really well done in this film, it does what sound is supposed to do in movies which is to give the audience a heightened sense of the tone and emotion of a scene a la John Carpenter's Halloween, not just to play a cutesy little song a la Randy Newman, that smarmy oscar-winning jerkpants.

- Ian Brennan, who played Carter/Dr. Carter Kaufman was hilarious in his role as the bumbling criminal boyfriend, and he's kind of cute. I wish he had a photo up on imdb, it makes me feel sad that he doesn't, like his career isn't far along enough yet for anyone to post a photo of him. Apparently Save the Last Dance 2 (2006) doesn't have as strong of a fan base as the original. Someday Ian Brennan, someday...

- "Let's not overreactivate here." Nice faux-elevated vocabulary use with the brain damaged main character KPdawg! I like it, I'm going to start talking like that just to mess with people.

So this movie had some nice things about it, but it was a little slow and a little melodramatic in some places, like in the way overused "she's in a mental hospital and she doesn't even realize it because she's so CAHRAZEE" ending. But in general, I think that KPdawgfaceguy is off to a good start with his first wide release (on video anyways) feature-length film and I predict that more good things will come from him. If you watch this movie and it leaves you craving a more succinct false-memory movie, watch The Machinist (2004). I hate to recommend a big-deal-studio movie over an indie film, but The Machinist is really good modern film noir and it's worth watching just to marvel over how much weight Christian Bale lost for that role, and just how awesome of an actor he is in general. He lost 63 lbs for that movie!!! And just one year later he appeared in Batman Begins all super beefy!!! No wonder I'm in love with that man.

I'm going to go eat flax cereal now, don't pester me you rotten kids.

08

Xanadu (1980)

I love that I received both Xanadu and Cannibal Holocaust (see below) in my Netflix post today. Both films were made in 1980, but the similarities end there. I seriously doubt that anyone is going to do a musical version of Cannibal Holocaust on Broadway anytime in the near future.

I'm not going to say much about Xanadu because it's really the kind of film that you have to experience for yourself. If you're a big ONJ (that's Olivia Newton John for those in the know) fan, see this movie. If you're a big ELO (that's Electric Light Orchestra for those in the know) fan, see this movie. If you're dying to see Gene Kelly as an elderly but still handsome man, see this movie. Don't see this film because you loved Michael Beck's work in The Warriors (1979), you will be disappointed by his interesting choice of follow-up.

It was kind of anticlimactic for me to watch this film, because on more than one occasion after a long drunken evening at my good friend Kitty's house my lovely hostess and fellow good friend Michael would put on the Xanadu soundtrack (on vinyl, natch) and dance and sing and act out the whole plot. The movie kind of pales in comparison to the energy contained within their live performance. Note to Michael and Kitty: I can't believe you never told me about the bit where they turn into cartoon humans, then fish, then birds, then humans again.

07

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Dear lord, I just read on imdb that someone is doing a remake of this film set to come out in 2009, I hope that's not true. This is the kind of movie that shouldn't have even been made one time, much less two.

Hmmmm... how do I even begin to talk about the showcase of unbelievable distaste that is Cannibal Holocaust? How about I start by saying that this movie is not for the faint of heart. Or for the average of heart. Or for anybody with a heart at all. It's basically just a lot of incredibly gross images loosely strung together and shown all in a row. No, wait, that makes it sound kind of cool. This movie is NOT COOL.

First of all, there are about 18 gang rape scenes in it. It seems as if every time director Ruggero Deodato was at a loss for what to do next, he would say (in Italian mind you) "Eh, let's throw in another gang rape scene to spice things up!" Secondly, they kill lots of animals in this film. That's one big downside to low-budget horror cinema before animal rights laws: when they kill animals on film, they actually kill animals. One of my favorite classic horror films is I Drink Your Blood (1970). Sadly they kill one chicken, one goat, and a whole mess of rats throughout the movie, but at least it's integral to the plot! In Cannibal Holocaust they kill animals just for the gross-out factor. There's one particularly ill scene where they kill a sea turtle, chop off its head and flailing limbs, crack open its shell and gut it. In another scene they stab a muskrat through the throat and then skin it and gut it. There's a simple rule that I like to follow while watching scary movies: fake blood and guts = funny! Real blood and guts = not so funny. Gang rape also errs on the not so funny side with me, ere go my distaste for fellow gross out film from the disco era I Spit on Your Grave (1978).

So now you're probably wondering, "What the hell kind of plot could bring about all this raping and animal slaughter?" Well it's kind of a Blair Witch documentary-style dealy with a frame story: A crew of filmmakers head into the Amazon to find a cannibalistic tribe, and (surprise!) they never return. Another crew heads out and finds their bodies as well as all their footage. They bring the footage back to New York where a bunch of stuffy old men watch it and discuss its grossness. They discover that the cannibals are not really bad guys at all, the real villains are the now-extinct filmmakers who burned down huts, raped girls, and shot people all for the sake of good cinema. Thus we learn the valuable life lesson that white "civilized" people are always the bad guys.

Oddly enough, I'm happy I watched this film because it brought me that much closer to fulfilling my goal of watching every single film of note in the whole western horror canon. But you shouldn't watch it. Leave this movie alone.

06

Wow, I think I may have moved to the wrong city. I just found out that not only is The Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D not playing in Seattle proper (really? I have to go to Bellevue??), but also seemingly kick-ass new vampire movie 30 Days of night (2007) is not playing in a local theater. WTF, King County??? Thank GOD there's a zombie walk in Fremont next week, otherwise I just don't know what I would do.

Check out the 30 Days of Night website, it's designed really well and there's a multiplayer vampire-killing game! It looks like it was done by the same people who did the Donnie Darko movie site, which is no longer up so I can't link you to it but trust me, it was super cool.

05

Alien vs. Predator (2004)

There's nothing worse than when a much anticipated film turns out to be disappointing. Actually that's true for everything, not just movies. Once my friend Nani and I were in a diner on the upper east side with some other friends, and I ordered onion rings because I always judge a diner by the quality of their onion rings. It's usually a pretty good gauge for how tasty the rest of the food is. When the waiter put down the plate of golden, grease-shiny fried onions, everyone at the table was instantly envious. "Those look soooo good," remarked my tablemates. But after I bit into one, I shockingly said "These are bad!" They looked wonderful but tasted awful, it was the strangest thing. You know what else looked good but tasted bad? Alien vs. Predator.

For some reason I didn't see A vs. P in the theater, either because I've never been as big of a fan of Alien as I am of other evil foe, or because all of my friends told me that they saw it and it was lame. So how did I come to watch A vs. P now, you ask? Because Target was selling a box set with Predator, Predator 2, and Alien vs. Predator for just twenty bucks and I couldn't resist. They also had Omen and Amityville Horror box sets. I LOVE the Halloween season!

I'm just going to go ahead and compare this movie with Freddy vs. Jason, since they're essentially the same movie: Two big scary things that LOVE killing humans get together and get into a kick-ass, no holds barred, brawl to the death. Humans die along the way but are essentially inconsequential to the plot until the very end when they help one bad guy win. The end.

Kudos to the A vs. P people for getting at least two semi-recognizable actors in their film, which is something that F vs. J failed to do (although that doesn't mean I didn't love the faux Jason Mewes character), Lance Henriksen from previous Alien films and Ewen Bremner from Trainspotting (1996). I guess the lead actress Sanaa Lathan is recognizable in some circles, but since movies like Love and Basketball (2000) make me throw up in my mouth a little bit and I don't watch Nip/Tuck I haven't seen much of her previous work.

This movie starts out bad and then goes wrong in so many ways, let's start from the beginning. A mysterious millionaire discovers an underground pyramid in Antarctica that's 2000 feet underground which his "experts" believe to be older than any known civilization on Earth. He recruits a team of people who are knowledgeable about mysterious underground pyramids and heads south. Leading the group is Sanaa Lathan's outdoor-saavy character who doesn't take any guff. Since she is (gasp!) not only black but a woman, many of the other team members won't listen to her or follow any of her orders. They all die within the first half hour of the film. The movie is semi-tolerable (I mean for hardcore Alien or Predator fans) from there until the end, when Sanaa Lathan teams up with Predator to kill the Aliens. WHAT?!? Predator would've smoked her ass without thinking twice, even if she did help him kill Aliens. There's this really particularly awful scene where Predator gives her tribal warrior markings with Alien's blood to show that she earned his respect, my eyeballs almost fell out of my head they were rolling back so far.

Another thing that does this, as well as many other movies, a disservice is the gratuitous use of CG imagery in place of traditional props and effects. Everyone knows that CG effects done improperly just look cheesy (new Star Wars movies, anyone?) and this movie is a very good example of that. Original Alien looked super cool because it was essentially a giant beautiful moving sculpture designed by HR Giger. A vs. P Alien looks like a giant stupid cartoon that wouldn't scare your grandma, with CG generated acid-blood to boot. Lame-o! And when you see the world in Predator-vision in this film you forget for a moment that you are in fact watching a movie and not playing World of Warcraft, because it looks like a freaking video game.

There are some things I like about this movie: when the pyramid shifts to trap people in different spots it's pretty visually stimulating, and the fight scene where Predator swings Alien around like they're playing ring around the rosie is kind of fun. But if you want to watch a really good movie about monsters in a cave, rent The Descent (2005). The acting is much better, the monsters are way scarier, and the female heroine is much more believable.

04

A side rant: WHAT is the deal Seattle?!? Why does my Netflix take longer to get to my house here than it does in NY??? Netflix is based in Los Gatos, CA and has a big customer service center in Hillsboro, OR, if I'm so much closer to Netflix's master control center how could it possibly take LONGER to get my movies?!? Now I can only potentially watch 4 movies a week, and that's only if I watch all my Netflix on the day that I get them. This isn't just about me and my lack of social life anymore Netflix people, now it's about the blog too. I blame the lackadaisical workplace ethic of the left coast, sorry west-coasters but it's true...

03

The Adventures of Pete and Pete, Season 1 DVD (1993)

Yes I know this is a TV show and not a movie. It's my blog people, I'll write about whatever I want and you'll read it and like it!
So I'm a little depressed this weekend for three reasons: 1) I'm having a hard time finding a decent job, I did get a job this week but I'm not very excited about it. 2) I just moved to a new town, and no matter how fun it is I still don't have the enormous and exciting cast of friends at my beck and call like I did in New York. 3) There was an incident with a boy that made me unhappy.
I was in this exact same situation when I was 19 years old and I had just moved to New York. At that time I dealt with it by sitting on my couch in a cruddy old kimono for an entire summer, chain-smoking cigarettes and watching rented movies. I lost 20 lbs and probably gave myself lung cancer in the future. This time around I've got a much nicer kimono to sit around in and I've long since quit smoking so I'm eating dark chocolate with ginger in it. I have feeling I won't lose 20 lbs this time. To cheer myself up, I bought a DVD of one of the best TV shows ever made, The Adventures of Pete and Pete.
Even if you're dead on the inside and don't like this show, it's worth it to watch it for all the rockstar cameos. Iggy Pop, Michael Stipe, Debbie Harry, Kate Pierson (from the B-52's), and many others that I can't remember play small roles as neighbors and ice cream men in the Pete and Pete community. The music for the show is pretty notable too, including works by bands like Apples in Stereo and The Magnetic Fields.
I'm not dead on the inside yet and I do like this show, it adds color, music, and magic realism to the dreary suburban landscape where many of us spent our childhoods. The plotlines are all really unique, and this show is still enjoyable to watch as an adult because Pete and Pete didn't talk down to kids like so many other shows do. On NPR's "This American Life" this week (episode #341) they did a story about how to talk to kids, and Ira Glass found that talking down to kids who understand adult humor is where many adults go wrong. Most kids aren't dumb, they only turn that way when they reach age 13 and start acting like total assholes. Man I hate 13 year olds!
When I was a kid I was so jealous that Little Pete had a tattoo when he was just a kid. Dance, Petunia, dance! What's up now Danny Tamberelli? Now who's got the most ink?!?

02

Into the Wild (2007)

I knew it was going to be bad, I knew it! But I had to see it anyways.

Note: my opinion of this movie may have been skewed by the fact that I was in a bit of a sour mood when I went to go see it. I went to the theater with the intention of seeing a sneak preview screening of Wes Anderson's "The Darjeeling Limited." I had been sent a free pass by The Stranger because I'm unemployed so I have time to do things like enter newspaper contests to win free movie tickets. I got to the theater about 15 minutes before the screening started, because I didn't imagine that they would give out more passes than there were seats in the theater, which is exactly what happened. There was a big line outside of the theater when I got there and I didn't get in before all the seats were full. Bummer! I decided to see "Into the Wild" instead, which I had been meaning to see anyways. But I had to wait an hour for the next show, so I went to go get sushi in the meantime. I've been vegetarian for the last 11 years, but I told myself that I was going to try to eat fish while I was living in Seattle since the fish is supposed to be so orgasmically fantastic here. The theater I was at was right by a sushi place that had been recommended to me, so I figured I might as well try fish right then. I didn't like it, it tastes fine but I just don't like eating animals, and for some idiotic reason I gagged down four pieces of sushi. I think just did it because I didn't want to feel like a big pansy who can't eat fish. Wow, where is this story going? Oh yeah, so I was in kind of a bad mood when I saw "Into the Wild" because it wasn't the movie I was planning on seeing and my tummy was feeling weird and full of animal flesh. I also ate Milk Duds, which didn't help. On with the review!

I wanted to see this movie because I really enjoyed John Krakauer's book, and also because I was intrigued by the story behind the making of this film which was profiled in Outside magazine, and also because this movie is about a boy from Northern VA who goes on a big road trip and I am a girl from Northern VA who just went on a big road trip (although I didn't die, contrary to popular belief). I had read some bad reviews of this movie from sources that I trusted before I went to go see it, but I blindly forged ahead into the theater despite my better judgement.

An open note to Sean Penn: I know you had to work closely with the kid's family on this to paint an accurate portrait, but could you stop being so goddam sappy?!? And could the editing have been any more corny? The text overlays of the kid's journal entries were just too much to handle. And if Emile Hirsch wasn't so dreamy-looking*, I would've been really annoyed by all the close-up's of him looking all wistful and weepy off into surrounding landscape.

A side note: I worked on America's Next Top Model during Season 3, which they filmed at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel in NYC. I was constantly running around the halls of the Waldorf with a walkie talkie strapped to my hip, trying to find steamed broccoli for Janice Dickinson or something equally ridiculous. It was a frazzled time in my life. Once when I was running down the hall on the 36th floor, I saw Sean Penn in the elevator as the doors closed. He was wearing a bathrobe, and he looked perturbed. Perhaps some Hollywood hot shot had just told him that text overlays are corny, and nobody likes them.

*Emile Hirsch is very dreamy-looking indeed, but I also think he has the actor's affliction of being pint-sized. When he's seated next to Vince Vaughn during one scene in this movie, Vince Vaughn looks like a freaking giant sitting next to a hobbit.

01

To warm up for the movie reviews, I'm going to do a cereal review. I just have to talk about this cereal that I'm obsessed with, it'll only take a minute I promise.



Nature's Path Flax Plus cereal. WHAT do they put in this stuff?!? Not only do I want to eat it for every meal, I actually want to eat it all day every day. I just went to go look at the box so that I could verify the brand name, and now I'm eating yet another bowl of it. Is crack cocaine derived from flax seeds in the same manner that opium is derived from poppy seeds? Because I think I actually have a physical addiction to this stuff. Yesterday my grocery store had it on sale for 2 boxes for 5 bucks and I about creamed my pants.