No Country for Old Men (2007)

Oooh so good, go see it right now or your heart will surely stop beating in your chest cavity! Last night while at dinner at Oaxaca in Ballard I was explaining to a friend who Javier Bardem was, and I was like "You know, he was in Before Night Falls and he played a Cuban homosexual poet. And then he was in The Sea Inside and he played a quadriplegic. And now he's in the Cohen brothers movie and he plays a really REALLY scary murderer guy," and I started to get the creeping suspicion that Javier Bardem is a freaking amazing actor. He's proving that he belongs to that rare breed of awesome actors who can completely transform themselves for each role (which is kind of like, duh, the point of acting) like Gary Oldman. Do you even recognize Gary Oldman in Nosferatu as the same man who plays Zorg in The Fifth Element as the same man who plays Albert Milo in Basquiat as the same man who plays Drexl in True Romance? No, because he's that good. Javier Bardem might even have more skills than Gary Oldman because he's doing the chameleon thing on an international level, english isn't even his first language! Anyhoo, go see this movie just so you can marvel at Mr. Bardem's acting ability, and pee your pants when you see how scary he is. Oh wait I guess Gary Oldman is British so he's doing the international thing too, but you know what I mean.

I like the Cohen Brothers. They seem to like filming things in Texas. Put it all together = I liked this movie which was filmed by the Cohen brothers in Texas.

Oh remember when I was talking about how cool-looking Anjelica Huston's face is in The Darjeeling Limited? Tommy Lee Jones' face is also a marvel for the camera to capture. His acting is good in this movie but it plays second fiddle to his neat-o wrinkles.

Not Kinji Fukasaku, Despite the Text that Follows...


Wow how has a week flown by since I last posted, it feels like only yesterday I was bitching about some movie I don't like! Well I guess I could use the excuse that it's a holiday week, but yesterday I celebrated Thanksgiving by going snowboarding at Whistler, then going home and watching multiple films directed by Kinji Fukasaku while making a pumpkin pie so it's not like I was so wrapped up in the holiday I couldn't post.

I rented the Fukasaku films from my new FAVORITE place in the whole wide world: Scarecrow Video. It's this giant video rental place that has an unbelievable selection, the first time I went in there I was near tears I was so happy. In fact I kind of feel like crying a little bit every time I go in there, because it makes me realize that there are so many movies and directors and whatnot that I'm unfamiliar with. I get all panicky, and I think to myself "Who the hell director is that?!? I've never even heard of them! And good GOD there's a whole section with movies from Holland, I've never seen a Dutch film in my life!!!" and it just goes from there.

Anyhoo the other day I was in there and I asked one of the very nice staff people where I could find Battle Royale II (directed by Fukasaku), and he was like "It's over there, but you should rent this other collection of films by Fukasaku, they're really good. They're much better than Battle Royale II, which is not a very good movie." I said "I know it's not a good movie, but I have to see it just because I haven't seen it and I know it exists. I'm sure you understand." Of course he did, which is why I heart Scarecrow Video so much. Battle Royale II is a terrible movie, sadly it was Fukasaku's last before his death in 2003. He actually only directed one scene in the movie before he died, so let's blame all the badness whoever finished it.

On to another director who I've been studying up on: Herschell Gordon Lewis, pictured above. He's sometimes referred to as the "Godfather of Gore," although he made a lot of different kinds of movies, and according to his website "Nobody has written more books." An unlikely statement but whatever, it says something about a man who would claim that on his own website! The important bit (to me) is the gory part, Lewis is essentially the creator of the modern gore film. He made a bunch of drive-in movies in the 1960's that prominently feature graphic on-screen depictions of violence, along with a healthy dose of naked big bosomed ladies. Even though his movies are incredibly corny and low budget and employed some very bad actors, he invented a lot of key elements that now define the horror genre. Plus they're just funny to watch, close up shots of cow intestines dipped in bright red poster paint and pulled out of a woman's mouth are entertaining anytime! I wonder if he's buddies with Roger Corman. I wonder if they traded fake blood recipes in the 60's and 70's, although if that's the case they should have gotten an outside opinion because both of their movie bloods look like tempera paint. Water soluble paint = not so scary, unless you spill it on your white carpet.

This entry was weird, did I really talk about a specific movie? Oh yeah, Battle Royale II, which was awful. But you might have to watch it anyways because you know it exists now.

Lake Dead (2007)

AKA "The cavemen from the Geico commercial rape and kill people until Principal Radich saves the day." I like to make up alternate names for things when I'm bored, which I most certainly was during this movie.

I usually love bad low budget horror films, but this one irked me for several reasons. The first being that it reeked of a script written by 40-year-olds desperately trying to appeal to twenty-somethings. There is actually a scene where a girl kisses a guy and says "I don't know why I love you," and the guy says "It's because I put you in my top 8." Can you believe it?!? That line was literally uttered on a screen in a mainstream theater! I hate so much I almost like it. Almost.

Another dead giveaway that middle aged men were involved in the making of the film was the actresses that were cast. The "hot girl" who steals another girl's boyfriend is totally nasty, she has over-plucked eyebrows and enough lipgloss on her face to smother a horse. The other three actresses were typical B movie fare: so-so faces and hot bodies. And all the girls' clothes in this movie look like they were purchased in the pre-teen hooker department at JC Penny. Wow, do I have my claws out or what? Rowr!

Speaking of the ladies in this movie, they annoyingly did absolutely nothing but scream and fall down the whole time. I know this is a horror movie standard but this is 2007 people, couldn't the girls kick a little ass now? Just once I would love to see a crazed murderer get a solid high kick to the face when he comes at a girl. I've been doing lots of capoeira training in preparation for precisely that moment. In one scene in this movie the main character is like "Ow! I twisted my ankle. Sh** that really hurt, you guys go on without me." That line is lame in more ways than one.

Another thing that bothered me is that this movie made several visual references (read = ripped off shots) to The Devil's Rejects (2005) which is one of my favorite movies and is sacred as far as I'm concerned and shouldn't get ripped off by a crappy B movie.

One last complaint: the special effects make up in this movie sucked big time. I looked scarier on Halloween than the dead bodies in this film, and I bought all of my make up at Value Village. Usually independent filmmakers are the innovators in this field because they figure out creative ways to make less with more, but somebody dropped the fake bloody ball on this one.

Now that I've complained my little face off, I'll force my evil brain to say something positive. This movie was released as part of Afterdark Horrorfest 2, which puts out 8 low budget horror films from unknown filmmakers, which is a pretty awesome concept. Yeah for promoting independent film!

Oh I'll decode my alternative title for you know. The two brothers who do most of the killing in this movie look like the cavemen from the Geico commercials on steriods, which is not very scary at all. And fellow fans of Degrassi: the Next Generation will get the Principal Radich reference. The "actor" who plays the principal on this terrible Canadian teen soap opera is obviously trying to win back some street cred by playing the drunken absentee father in this movie. He drops a major F-bomb in the closing line, how will he ever earn back the respect of the students at Degrassi?

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Eh, you know what to expect from Wes Anderson at this point, right? Dysfunctional but cute familial relations, right-angle loving compositions, many good tunes from the 60's and 70's? Sure it's a little predictable, but it's still enjoyable!

Adrien Brody makes a fitting addition to the Wes Anderson actor pool, his gangly proportions and impressive schnozz work well with the director's fairy tale styling. This is actually the first movie I've liked him in after a long while of not liking him so much. I understand the draw of the blockbuster paycheck but I feared for his artistic integrity when he starred in King Kong (2005). As far as other actor highlights, Anjelica Huston's face looks so awesome in this movie! Some women (but certainly not all) have the ability to look more distinguished as they age like a man does, AH is proving herself to be one of those ladies. Other quick actor notes: the man who plays the head porter on the train has the most beautiful, angular face you've ever seen, and the stewardess on the train looks like a Indian version of Rosario Dawson.

I really wanted to go to India before I saw this movie. Now I REALLY want to go to India (all caps = I mean it buddy). The scenery in this movie is stunning throughout, and paints a beautiful portrait of this very distinct culture. Towards the end of the film Adrien Brody's character says something about how he likes the way India smells, and you can almost fully imagine the fragrance that he's talking about.

A side note: How in the hell did the three lead actors film a movie where they're running all over India in suit jackets and we don't see a single sweat drop coming off of their foreheads? When I go to India I plan on wearing the flowiest clothes possible and I'm sure I will still be sweating bullets the whole time. And Owen Wilson's got ace bandages all over his head to boot! It's November and it's 82 degrees in Mumbai right now. They must have had one hell of a make up artist.

Persona (1966)

Wow I had almost finished my review of this film, and then I when I went to *proofread it I was so disgusted with my own arthouse pretentiousness that I deleted the whole thing! I don't know what was up with that sudden moment of clarity, if I did that every time I wrote like a jerk I would've deleted the whole blog by now. I must say that "Delete my Blog" button on blogger's homepage always tempts me so. I'll try this again, keeping the proletariat in mind. Moving on...

I watched this movie because I hadn't seen any films by Swedish master director Ingmar Bergman but I had a feeling I would love him. I recently read that in the director's own opinion Persona is his best film so I figured it was a good place to start. I adored it so much, everyone should watch it and embrace their inner dopplegangers!

Let me take a step back, some people might not like this movie. If you don't know what a doppleganger is and don't care to know, don't see this movie!

If you went to art school, do see this movie!

Visually this movie is so beautiful, Bergman uses his mad cinematography skills to create a mysterious yet realistic world that's soaked with symbolism. A lot of the symbolism is daunting, but it looks so pretty that you get over the fact that you might not "get it." There's one scene towards the end where one character slits her wrist open with her fingernail, then another character leans forward and kisses it, and then the bleeding character lashes out and slaps the other one. I was like "I have no idea what's happening but it looks really neat-o."

Movies don't have to be entirely about the plotline. Sometimes it's okay to just sit back and say "Wow, that looks freakin' cool." Even if your Carl Jung textbooks are collecting dust in the basement and you don't recall the prevailing theme in the Greek tragedy Electra (referenced in this film) or you've never even heard of either of those things, everyone can appreciate the way this movie looks. Or on an even more base level than that, you can watch this movie and say "Damn, those two chicks were hot and they cuddled a lot."

*Yes! I do proofread on occasion.

To follow up that unprecedented review of a current film, I'm writing another non-movie review entry. But it is entertainment-related so shut up. The topic is...

PODCASTS! I love 'em. I love 'em for several reasons, here's the list:

1. They're free.
2. There are podcasts about every topic imaginable.
3. Much like myspace, they're a revolutionary new way for former strangers to interact on the internet.
4. Anyone can make them.
5. Did I mention that they're free?

Here's a list of some of the ones that I like in no particular order:

The Savage Love Podcast
If you like Dan Savage's nationally syndicated sex advice newspaper column, you'll jump for joy every time you listen to an audio version of the same thing! In the podcast version, listeners call in their questions instead of writing in. This makes it more fun because you can tell how young and nervous everyone is. And you get to hear Dan Savage yell at everyone and get all sassy!

http://podcasts.thestranger.com/savagelove/

The Cult of UHF

Their tagline says enough to get me excited: Free Classic B-Movies. What more do I have to say? If you enjoy watching bad movies (lord knows I do), download this podcast.

http://cultofuhf.libsyn.com/

VOLCASTS by Volcom Entertainment

There is an endless supply of surf, skate, and snowboarding podcasts on the interweb, but in my opinion Volcom does it with the most flair. Because they're so artsy fartsy! I love their whole aesthetic. Even if you're not a fan of said sports (PS you suck), download "The Dawn of the Stone Age" animated feature podcast because it's good no matter what you like.

http://www.volcoment.com/volcasts/defaultVolcom.asp

The Rest of Everest Video Podcast

Let's face it losers: most of us will never set foot anywhere near Mount Everest. However through the magic of podcasts you can follow a group of friends who did (several of whom summited) in 2003! They made a film about it (Everest: The Other Side) and then decided that it wasn't enough. So they took the rest of the footage that they shot, which covers the whooooole journey from Wal-mart to Kathmandu, and created this podcast. It's fun to watch, and it makes you feel like you took a trip too (even though you're still just a fatty on a computer).

http://therestofeverest.com/

Wristcutters: a love story (2006)

Can you believe it?!? I dragged myself to a real-life theatah (pronounced with a cockney accent for no reason) and saw a film that's currently and widely released! Baby steps towards normalcy...

I hadn't heard of this movie until this week, because I don't watch tv and only listen to NPR and never catch wind of popular culture in any way. Come to think of it I don't know how I find out about any movies that are coming out, other than through my friends and through the few measly previews that I catch at the movies that I do go to. Am I qualified to be a movie reviewer, or WHAT??? Anyhoo, I stumbled across this movie on the pull-down menu at moviefone.com. The title caught my eye because rarely do titles that involve self-mutilation make it onto the pull-down menus on sites run by AOL.

As I read up on this movie, I was surprised that I hadn't heard of it through any of my backwards, subversive methods of researching movies online. Mostly because one of the main characters is partially based on that lovable Ukranian Eugene Hutz, lead singer of Gogol Bordello and my future husband. I really dropped the ball on obsessing over Eugene Hutz internet news on this one!

Whatever who cares about my life, let's talk about the movie. To sum up my feelings and then follow them with aimless rambling: this is a really cute dark rom-com that would make a great date movie for people who hate rom-com's. I hate romantic comedies. They make me vomit in my mouth a little bit. But I really liked this movie because they temper the romance with enough bitter comedy to make it palatable.

And congrats to writers Goran Dukic and Etgar Keret for actually coming up with an original storyline, a rarity in today's re-make obsessed movie industry. With the wide release of fellow quirky-indie-flick-starring-well-known-actors Lars and the Real Girl (2007), it almost feels like original plotlines are here to stay! Oh wait... they're re-making Masters of the Universe. I love He-man more than the average kid born in the 80's, and even I don't give a sh**.



Back to the movie at hand: I was also really pleased with all the casting choices in this movie. Patrick Fugit did a stellar job in his first role as a real grown-up, and he's also easy on the eyes. I was very to happy to see that Shannyn Sossamon was in a good movie, and did a good job, because I've always liked her but previously I had only seen her in really terrible movies. A Knight's Tale, anyone? Oh also Will Arnett from Arrested Development plays a small role in this movie, and he's just one of those actors who cracks me up no matter what he says.

All right enough mindless rambling, just go see the movie because it's good and you'll be supporting a non-re-make for once.

Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (1984)

Yes, I've been a bad little blogger lately. I'm not going to make excuses. Let's move on...

I don't feel like I need to "review" this movie per se, because everybody born before 1984 knows that this movie kicks serious ass. I'm just going to talk about it a little bit, because you probably haven't thought about it or seen it for a while.

This movie teaches us several important lessons:

1. If you have a problem, just dance at it. You can even dance away bulldozers if you're a good enough at it.

2. Everybody in East L.A. in 1984 could breakdance, even old ladies and the mailman.

3. Ice-T is cool as hell.

This movie includes what looks like a precursor to Ice-T's hard rock band, Body Count. A few weeks ago I got into an argument with a friend because he said that Body Count only has one album. I felt like he was trying to dwarf Body Count's cultural significance or write them off as a mere side project that Ice-T only dabbles in or something. Let me just say for the record that Body Count has released 4 albums and one live CD, the last of which came out in 2006. There, it's on the internet, it's fact!

When I watched this movie for the first time in a long time the other day, I was flooded with memories of a childhood crush on Turbo. Earlier today a friend of mine posted a bulletin on myspace, which expressed distress over the fact that her childhood movie crush had resurfaced through the magic of the internet and is now totally nasty. Her crush was Atreyu from The Neverending Story (1984), and you can see his current myspace page here. Gross! Does it seem weird to anyone else that he has photos of his naked wife and photos of their kid on the same page? PS nobody gives a sh** that you just signed on to "star in a big budget remake of troll." After reading this I panicked and looked to see if Turbo AKA Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers has a myspace page. He does, and it's infinitely cooler than Atreyu's page. He's not as cute as he used to be, but at least he isn't posting photos of his wife's fake boobs on the internet for all to see. And he's still dancing, natch! Check out Chamber's page here.

I'm definitely going to be Ozone for Halloween next year, he dresses so fly it's only conceivable to re-create the look for a holiday. I better start collecting studded belts and half shirts now.

WOW am I ever going to talk about current film again or WHAT?!? No, I'm just going to sit at home and watch netflix until I get through my dauntingly large queue.